June 16, 2024
SOLOBIS

Celeb Style Critique feat. Paris Hilton & Sienna Miller

Rosalind Russell once said that, “Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly.” In pursuit of this daring and bold spirit, we naturally turned to an actor for this month’s critique.

Christian, 35, may be familiar to you for his recent fantastic stint on Showtime’s Dexter, on which he played a deathmonger of sorts. Today the only killing he’s doing is with comedy, as his sharp, silly, and sometimes circuitous musings bare his innermost thoughts on celeb style to you, dear readers.

Disclaimer: I’m a guy. I’m a heterosexual guy (which, I’ve been told, puts me at an immediate disadvantage when it comes to offering a valid opinion or a decision about pretty much anything anywhere anytime). I’m a heterosexual guy who doesn’t know fashion.

For example, I couldn’t tell you what a Manolo is. I think it’s some type of shoe that allows one woman’s foot to step on other women’s foot, but I’m not sure. Sounds more like a Pilipino boy band from the eighties. Or better yet, a new size at Starbucks: tall, grande, venti, manolo.

Could be, but I digress. The point is I don’t know about labels or trends. I don’t care if its “last season” “this season” or “never in season”—for me there is only good, bad and the ugly.

So, I am writing as an example of one man in the stagnant pond of millions of other men who have an opinion of something we know very little about. Sort of like our president, but I digress again. Anyway, that’s my disclaimer. Let the opinions begin…

Paris Hilton

Overall, it’s nice to see Paris attempt to look like a lady, even if that “lady” is fishing for a husband in St. Tropez. The dress—with its conservative Hampton-ish pattern and its “gaping-bosom-hole” — works hard to draw desired attention.

The anchor on its chain seals the deal (the proverbial nail in the proverbial coffin). Kudos Paris, we’re looking. Overall, the dress works because it’s a conservative style that got twisted (by taking hemline way above the knee and showing acres of cleavage). Now, let us focus on the bottom half of the outfit.

This half unfortunately ensnares the entire ensemble and turns Paris into a cast member of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” I think it’s the shoes. They’re nice, but she looks too done, too put together…too desperate. All in all, it’s an okay outfit, more suitable, however, for yachting than traffic jams at Fred Segal.

Kate Moss

Are those really Kate Moss’s legs? She’s tiny, a veritable Pacino in stature, at least, in my opinion, that’s what those punky low risers do to her. I like the city street get-up, but those jeans…I can’t get beyond them, because they make her legs look so short.

Anyway, enough with the jeans. Next, I see red. Red’s good. I like the scarf over the tight biker jacket and Oakley sunglasses. Tight biker jackets are good (at least on the lucky thin, like Kate Moss). The belt on the outside is cool. Practical? No. I like the spunky, kinda “wear whatever you find on the floor” look.

Her pout is an accessory too. You always see a pout with someone wearing oversized glasses like these. And finally, there’s the nugget. The nugget on her middle finger says “I might dress like I’ve been around the block, and in fact I have…a few times, you see I own this block.”

Sienna Miller

Oh. I don’t know how to really give an opinion here. I’m sure Sienna is really nice and kind, so I want to be nice and kind too. However, in my opinion, I just don’t think she’s having a good day.

I want to be respectful, so I’m going to assume that she absentmindedly left a costume fitting, while still wearing said costume. The costume is for her new role in the serio-comedy loosely based on Angelina Jolie’s life.

Sienna plays the nanny (Kitty) who ends up having an affair with the Brad Pitt character and gives birth to twins, whom Angelina adopts and the three live happily ever after with 37 children. The movie’s called “Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.” This costume is for the scenes later on in the movie when Sienna begins loosing her mind.

She starts “meowing” and wearing children’s clothes on top of her maternity wear. The bag is full of baby formula, that’s why it looks so heavy. [Editor’s Note: We have no idea what he’s talking about either.]

Keira Knightly

I love it when women wear tights pared with boots—it’s one of my favorite combos. Add short shorts and you’ve got a winning foundation able to stave off any criticism one might issue over Keira’s hat selection.

A fedora would not be my first choice, but it serves adequately as a disguise. After intense scrutiny, I’ve determined that Keira’s legs work well with this outfit. While her boots seem a little clunky, they clunk with cute.

This look is an example, in my opinion, of how flaunting a single attribute can make an outfit. Keira chooses to show off her legs, keeping her torso underexposed in that peacoat-inspired whatchamacallit.

She’s revealing without being trashy or too cute aka “cutesy.” I wouldn’t mind if the top fit her better, but she doesn’t highlight it, so it doesn’t really matter. Now all she needs is a six gun and bullet belt.

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